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our infertility story

I never really planned to write about our IVF experience. My hopes in sharing is to maybe help someone going through the same thing, or something similar. When I got pregnant with our first, Beau, it happened the first month I was off birth control. I just assumed it would be the same for all my children. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who never had to worry about not being able to get pregnant. When we were ready for baby number two I had it all planned out of when the baby would be born, how far apart the kids would be, the perfect plan. Month after month and still not pregnant we finally decided it was time for reproductive doctors to help us. We went to Dr. Heiner at Reproductive Care Center in Sandy. I love everyone there and would recommend it to anyone struggling with infertility.

It’s a slow process trying to get pregnant at a reproductive care center. They start out with testing the man’s sperm to make sure they’re doing their job, if that comes back ok (ours did) then they test the female on everything. Of course these are always more invasive and embarrassing. I can’t even tell you the number of doctors that have seen my business. I’ve had more vaginal ultrasounds than I ever want to have in my life. I’ve had dye shot through my fallopian tubes to make sure they weren’t blocked, an ultrasound while you’re on your period so you get to bleed all over the doctor while he checks your ovaries, hormone injections in the belly. All of it sucks, but the entire time you just think of the baby you hope will one day finally be in that uterus they keep prodding at.

While they determined my egg reserve was lower than it should be for someone my age (29 at the time), there wasn’t anything seriously wrong with us. They started us out with IUI (intrauterine insemination) Basically I take meds to up the number of eggs I release, like Clomid or Femara. Then they inject me with a concentrated dose of Blake’s sperm on the exact day I ovulate. You wait two weeks and pray it worked. We did this twice with no luck. Each time it didn’t work we were crushed and saw another month wasted. Time, money, Beau’s chance for a sibling, all of it gone. I even added in hormone shots and still nothing.

Blake and I were debating with doing one last IUI before moving on to IVF, or if we just skip IUI altogether and go straight to IVF. If we tried IUI one last time and it failed it’s like throwing hundreds and hundreds of dollars in the toilet. Plus the heartbreak of another failed attempt. We weren’t hopeful for it working. But after so much talking, going back and forth, and lots of prayer we decided to try IUI one last time. Right before my insemination they did yet another ultrasound only to find that my hormone shots overstimulated me and I couldn’t do the procedure. We were devastated. A complete waste of time, money, and meds. I cried all the way home.

That night my doctor called to see how I was, and if I would be interested in doing IVF the next day! He explained that while I had too many eggs releasing for insemination, he could take them out and do IVF instead. When things like this happen IVF is half the normal cost. We were beyond thrilled and knew this was an answered prayer. Had we decided to go straight to IVF we wouldn’t have saved so much money and my body from being injected with quadruple the hormones. The next day they were able to retrieve 6 eggs. After they fertilized them only 3 survived. When we went in a few days later we were told that our 3 embryos didn’t look great and to not get our hopes up. Once again we felt defeated and overwhelmed with sadness. They told us to come back in two days and see how they were doing. It was a long, sad two days of zero expectations and thinking we had just wasted thousands of dollars and would have to start all over again. Two days later we received a call that we had one embryo that survived and was ready to be implanted. Our doctor was very optimistic and gave us a 50% chance of getting pregnant! Our sweet, tiny embryo was implanted on Jan 10, 2017 and two weeks later found out I was pregnant.

We didn’t find out the gender until the birth which was an amazing surprise. Our sweet baby girl was our little miracle embryo that had survived even when doctors thought she wouldn’t. It was worth all the pain and heartbreak we went through for over a year. She was worth everything. I often hear tragic stories of infertility, miscarriage, or loss of a newborn and feel grateful that my experience wasn’t worse. So many couples go through far more than we did, and my heart breaks for them. For us this was the biggest trial we’ve yet had to face. But we got through it with support of family, friends, doctors, and Christ.

happy valentine’s day

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I have always loved Valentine’s day, but sure love it even more now that I have 3 Valentine’s of my own! These two really love each other, even if he loves a little too hard sometimes. I love a holiday where you can eat all the chocolate you want and celebrate love. Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you’re spending it with those you love most.

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before there were four

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So much has happened since I was blogging regularly. At the time I took a break I really needed it, however looking back I wish I would have kept going. Mostly because while it felt like I couldn’t write because I was in this horrible place. I think I could have maybe helped someone else going through the same thing. I have been working on this blog for almost 2 years. I felt like it was finally starting to get a little traction with people wanting to collaborate, and working on fun projects with different small companies. It was time consuming and hard work (blogging is so much more work than most people, including me thought!) but I loved it so much! And then when it felt like life got so overwhelming and painful with what we were going through I just stopped. I’m going to share in my next post details of everything and hopefully someone may just find it helpful or hopeful in some way.

These photos were some of the last ones of the three of us before we had baby girl. I’m so beyond grateful to be our family of four. But I will always cherish when it was just us three. Before Beau got his whole world flipped and had to share the spotlight!

happy baby days

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I couldn’t help but show these photos of my sweet big boy. He was particularly sweet and kept giving me huge smiles and giggles. Plus I just loved his outfit. Somedays his outfits come together just right and I can’t get enough. Most of this outfit is too small for him but I keep putting him in it because the shorts just get shorter, and I love a baby showing lots of thigh.

I haven’t been blogging lately, but we have been having lots of fun enjoying time outside while its been warm. We can’t wait for summer so we can swim every day and show baby thighs all summer long. Although summer coming means this boy will be three years old and I’m not quite ready for that yet.

so much love

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leather jacket: anine bing// sweatshirt: topshop// jeans: jbrand// shoes: vince// photography: angela young

I couldn’t be more in love with these photos. My boy is wild, and busy, and such a tender heart. I love him so much I could burst. Watching him grow is the joy of my life. I only wish it didn’t go so quickly.

a golden sunday

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jacket: free people// dress: mindy mae’s market c/0// boots: steve madden (old)//

Just took a week off of the blog and it felt nice to kind of stay off the internet for a while. We’ve been trying to stay busy around here with lots of working and lots of chasing Beau around. I still can’t believe every day how big my boy is. We have been ready for another one to come along for a really long time, but it’s unfortunately just not on our time table. It kills us both to have to wait for something we long for more than anything. It’s like a little part of me dies each month. But we are doing our best to stay positive and know that things will work out as they should! It just gives us more time to love on our boy while he is our only one! Here’s to making it a very happy week, because also it’s fall!! And I LOVE the fall.

beau, the parrot

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This boy learns more new words every day. I am always amazed at the things he knows that I did not teach him. When we walked through Costco last week he kept pointing and saying “Clorox”. Sure enough it was Clorox toilet cleaner he was pointing at, so I just stared at him in awe. He listens to every word Blake and I say which is super smart but also kinda worrisome. I tend to say, gosh dang it, when I’m frustrated so of course he picked that right up and won’t stop saying it. I sound like a really good mom in public when other mothers hear him repeating it over and over. He’s not as keen to repeat all the wonderful things that I say, naturally. But he is as sweet as they come. All of my joy is wrapped up in him and his dad. I’m the luckiest girl there is.

you can’t always get what you want

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I didn’t blog at all last week. I just wasn’t feeling up to it because I have been such a downer lately. I don’t like to come on here and complain about life, but sometimes it’s a good outlet for me. Plus I don’t think too many people actually read this so it’s more just for myself. I had myself a good pity party for basically the entire weekend. Feeling hopeful for things you dream of only to have them all fall apart in front of your eyes so quickly. My husband picks me back up from the heartache even though he is just as heartbroken as me. He still finds a way to comfort me when he’s feeling the same pain. After it all settled in we put our lives back in perspective and had hope, that what we want most will come when it’s supposed to. Until then I have my two loves who help me go on when I feel like I can’t.

my little boy

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Monday came really fast this weekend. We were really enjoying time at home to do nothing but relax and watch the Olympics. Now it’s time for another busy week again. I looked at the calendar the other day and realized that my baby boy was 26 months old. He is so big and smart and saying sentences. It’s crazy that I pretty much always know what he’s saying and what he wants. It makes life easier but it’s kinda sad too because he’s growing out of the baby stage. Although to me he still seems like a baby and I’m sure will feel that way until we have another one. Stay this way just a little while longer my boy.

family campout

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I’m bummed that these photos are so fuzzy, but we were camping and I didn’t even realize they turned out this bad. At least I tried right? We usually go camping for one night, once a year with friends since we aren’t really the “campiest” family. But we always enjoy our overnighter with good friends. Plus Beau really loved getting dirty and throwing rocks. He even slept in the tent pretty great, which we were a little nervous about. But we all survived and even had a really fun time! I mean, I’m happy to be back in my own bed, but it was fun while it lasted.

We are off to California for a little family vacation and my best friend’s wedding on Sunday. We are so ready for a getaway, I can’t even explain how much we need a vacation right now! I’m super excited to take Beau to Disneyland! He loves Mickey Mouse and Cars so hopefully he loves them in person as much as he does on tv. Be back next week!